3 weeks to the day

last night i
held her sadness in my arms
-she wore it like a cloak

tonight i cannot sleep
because
because
i do not know what tomorrow holds
do not know if on saturday i will knock or run

last night i held
the sadness of 200,000 ommas in my arms
even though she was not one of them

i cannot sleep
and i need sleep
i am hours deprived
but what ifs are churning
what ifs are the steady drip

and so tonight
i will go out
to forget
just for a moment
how last night
i held her
sadness in my arms

i will drown this coffee and its grounds
i will spill life onto the streets

will watch the sun rise

my feet
what will they touch upon

and will my body
remember anything?

last night
i held the sadness of my mother
in my arms
in the shape and form
of
her.

II.

the women chit chat pitter patter in their english
call me
nice things
tell me just how much an artist i must be

buy me samgyupsal
pour me shots of soju

want their pictures taken with me

want my number
want my email

want me to come back

"welcome home"
they say

"oh yes youre definitely korean" (in some ways)

they tell me everything ive waited 32 33 34 years to hear
(lunar calendar has increased my longevity by 2 at this rate)

... "no no this is special we dont usually do this"
they chirp
buying me dinner

treating me like i used to dream about

its the simplest smallest tiniest things

"your english is so good"
says one

"its cuz shes american"
another laughs

"but is korean"
another smiles

"your style its so individual"
they chorus

and i think of minneapolis
and friends

and i think of all those days months years in europe
and friends

and i think how
i cried all the way from here to oregon

and i wonder bout the weekend

and i think about how i am here

i am really here

"what are your impressions of korea?"

they smile when i tell them with my tired eyes

they smile satisfied

they smile with "of course you do"

when i tell them

with clipped english

touching hand to heart

"being here. i feel so good. so happy."

and then i touch my hand to my stomach
sit back
sigh

"no no no im full"

as they offer me an after course of

noodles

...

III.

"i need you"
i cant refuse those words

to be needed
HERE?

after being sent away

and then told
"need"

after being so not
needed
at the beginning

this need
to be
needed
here

it runs deeper than i knew