"1:48 voices from within the korean diaspora" #2 feat: Kim Park Nelson

"1:48 - voices from within the korean diaspora"
guest: Kim Park Nelson
reporting by: kim thompson
interview conducted by: Steve Hatherly for TBS radio in Seoul

"Kim Park Nelson is an assistant professor of American Multicultural Studies at the Minnesota State University at Moorhead. Her research explores the many identities of adult Korean adoptees, as well as the cultural, social, historical and political significance of over 50 years of Korean adoption to the United States. Her recently completed Ph.D. research is titled “Korean Looks, American Eyes: Korean American Adoptees, Race, Culture and Nation.” She is the lead organizer of the Second International Symposium of Korean Adoption Studies which will take place in Seoul on August 3, 2010 as part of the International Korean Adoptee Associations Gathering, a week- long conference for and about Korean adoptees. She born in Korea and adopted to the United States in 1971."

LISTEN HERE:





ABOUT 1:48

This is a report that will air once every 3 weeks and will feature korean adoptees who are artists, activists, and philosophers.

I will do the reporting and through the suggestions of others as well as my own contacts bring on different voices from within the adoptee community who live both in Seoul and abroad. For the time being it will air as a regular report that is featured on the "Steve Hatherly Show"

The reason that I've named the report thus is due to this fact (which I extracted from an article by Jane Jeong Trenka )

"since 1953 about 200,000 korean children have been sent to the west for adoption. with korea having a population of approximately 48 million this means one in every 48 korean citizens is affected by adoption. this show will feature some of those 200,000 who have returned home."

HOW TO BE A PART OF SUPPORTING THIS SHOW:

It is to our knowledge the first consistent featuring of a report like this on the radio. Your comments and feedback and listening participation are vital. PLEASE make sure to email Tim Alper at TBS radio with your support for the show and tell him how you heard it (either live or on my blog)

Tim Alper: tda7@hotmail.com

If you have guest or topic suggestions please email me (Kim Thompson) at: kimmer_t@hotmail.com
* The purpose of this show is to feature the voices of Korean adoptees

disparities of separation anxieties

1 in 48

the marriage of academics and the arts

ibyang kyopo korean korean

the vocabularies being created...

a generation rising up from weariness of standing still in white

sideways glances

... taking it all in

we are here we are here

here we are

... blowing up the blogosphere

we are here

... lucky

pitiful

ping pong balls

... (i could sit at this coffeeshop for something like ever and a day)

... (ive) so many questions
of what is and will be

artists are the first voice she tells me

... first voices...

conduits

translating academia for the masses

academia listening to these first voices for what is being said

"is dual citizenship just another bandaid for an unstoppable wound?"

i used to think loss could only be claimed by us

(father forgive such arrogance)

... i used to think there could be some kind of solution for a thing for which there can be no absolution only... only...

reconciliation.

so this is what we walk towards

... the reconciling of ourselves

of our parents both blood and legal

... how are we supposed to fix a thing when we're the ones who were torn away?

but who else will?

malcom x and martin luther king jr rose to the challenge

and now we rise to ours

... one in forty eight

legislations...

korea you ask us to fight for you in your armies before the age of 30
but i cannot help but ask

"why should we fight for you when you did not fight to keep us?"
"what is it that we would be defending? when you left us so without defense... a lifetime of building our own walls that now we work to deconstruct"

yes

i like to party and rock the mic loud

yes

i like the beauty of the svelte in high heeled black boots click clacking down the streets

yes

i like to be inane

but why im here
is not for frivolities

im here for my own
reconciling
with a past that cannot should not
be changed...

you ask me what if everyday

ask me the impossible

when there is no answer

... so i work to help create the language for the questions.

what ifs will only make us crazy

one in forty eight

ask me how we are reconciling our statistics
ask me how we are working past the scotch tape of bandaids

... one in forty eight we are trying to increase the gap of such a ratio
so that one day it could become rare to none

... one day

ask me what i believe in

and i will tell you point blank truth that is me

- i believe in one days

i believe in the marriage of three worlds and words

- theirs
- yours
- ours

... i believe in hoping for everything and never giving up

so inbetween the nights you see me in

there are another set of hours spent daily reconciling the anxieties of my and our separations

mirrors

she
she is me
i
i am her
she is me
i am her
she in me sees her
i in her see me
she sees what she would like to forget
she sees what she did wrong
she sees her guilt
her secret
in me
she sees her wrongs

so she
runs
and hides
only placing calls

i know this
because it is how i am too
when confronted with a painful truth

we are one

i am her
she is me
me is her
her is i

... last night i dreamt a hand in mine
so real was the dream i knew the flesh

she
she is me
i
i am her

spitting image
mirror

she
hurts to see herself in me

i
hurt to know what she is seeing

herself in me
and a mistake she can never unmake

so she does as i
runs and hides
behind the safety of half involvement
never quite cutting ties
but never having time to build

... i
see me
in her

... i
see what it is she sees

her one and only replica

that can no longer be kept

away

"1:48 Voices from within the Korean diaspora" feat Maja Lee Langvad TBS radio Seoul

"1:48 Voices from within the Korean diaspora" feat Maja Lee Langvad TBS radio Seoul from 7 Dec 09.

the Steve Hatherly show. Reporting by Kim Thompson. Featuring Korean adoptee Danish writer Maja Lee Langvad

a thought

dearest fellow ibyang employed by holt in eugene oregon and others who live in the house,

please do not think that i am standing in a place of judgement...

i spent about 28 years of my life believing i was white - wondering what the hell all those bitter adoptees were bitchin' about... denouncing it... avoiding korean adoptees or any one who looked asian... i didnt want to be associated with what i was not - i didnt want my identity to be mistaken...

and unlike all those bitter adoptees... i was not bitter... i was fine...

around 29 i began to suspect i wasnt white... and that maybe claiming asians and specifically korean adoptees as friends wasnt such a bad thing... slowly i began to feel less ashamed...

slowly i began to realize... it wasnt that i thought everyone whod already claimed their roots or who were outspoken against int'l adoption was bitter... it was that i was... ashamed.... of being ... of looking... like a korean.

and then ... i began to truly desire to return to the place that i had been born... id always wanted this but id tried to forget... id told myself that only the weak needed to do that... that i was already well adjusted... and sure... id had some rough spots in my coping... but who doesnt?

- i mean everyone drinks away a good five or more years of their life... theres nothing abnormal about being 5'2" and being able to put away 3 plus liters of vodka and a liter of whiskey a week 52 weeks a year for 3 or 4 years without any noticeable side effects... theres nothing abnormal with sleeping around for the sake of it and being completely incapable of admitting to how much i cared about some of them... theres nothing abnormal about having extreme internal panic attacks that id never see someone again when a friend would go to another room for whatever normal mundane reason (i.e. to get a glass of water, to use the bathroom, to answer the phone) - for them to be away for even 5 minutes and to completely convince myself in those 5 minutes that they had forgotten me and probably hated me and probably never really liked me... absolutely nothing abnormal about any of this... we all have shit to deal with... and i was just typical... i wasnt coping anyways... i was just living my life... and being adopted definitely didnt affect my mental or emotional state...

... and then it began to hit me... that maybe this wasnt normal... or at least maybe not healthy... that maybe these things were what the western world calls "coping mechanisms" ...

... and then it began to hit me that maybe... there was something to be said for the fact that to this day i still struggle with the fact that my first mental response when something feels too out of control or painful my first thought for how to deal with it is to go buy a few bottles... or go find some available person to take home...

... and only in the past months have i even been able to begin to fully address these things...

only in the past couple years have i been able to begin to start to want to change these patterns... and in doing so... looking at what it was i wasnt admitting...

and in that... looking at ... what i felt ashamed of...

i was ashamed of being korean.

i was ashamed of this body... this face... this skin...

i was so ashamed that i couldnt even let myself get indignant ... or acknowledge that i cared ... because if i did that ... then id have to admit to myself... not only my shame... but just how much... i have never stopped mourning the loss of my umma - my mother...

and to admit that would be to admit just how very human my heart really is...

and somehow the costs of not admitting were easier... pissing people off... offending them... making them think that i was disrespectful of what theyd asked of me - even when i respected what they asked i didnt have the ground to stand on to be able to prove to them that i was speaking the truth... i never lied to anyone... but i lied to myself a lot...

and so...

my fellow ibyangs... who work for holt... who think adoptees like me who believe that there needs to be a HUGE and DRAMATIC shift and change in int'l adoption policies and most likely be put to an end... those who think me... us... bitter

... i cannot judge you... because i spent most of my life living in "the house"... its only been oh so recent where i have decided to return to "the field" that i was born of... my friends can attest to this...

keeping me grateful for the reality and possibilities that evolution allows us...

... and all of this is only the prelude to what i want to ask you

...

how can you work for a place like that?

a place that has lied about so many of us in order to make money?

how can you work for a place that continues to deny adoptees access to personal background information?

is it because you think that if you do not you will be classified as bitter?

is it because you feel so indebted to a white society that raised us?

is it because you say as i once did "im not really korean... i just look it... im more white than korean" or "im not like those others - theyre so weak and bitter... complaining all the time - they dont get how lucky they are"

is it because... those in the field remind you of your precarious position in the house?

is it because you... (like me... like most of us... have been... ) ashamed?

is it because... this whole thing affects you so much more than your heart can bear? that you have never stopped missing her? that you have never stopped knowing just how much this hurts?

is it because if you admit to all of that... if you admit how fucked up this leaves you feeling... youd probably break down and cry for days?

is it because ... you hate how much it affects you... and so its easier to say it doesnt really matter and you dont really get it when others make a big deal out of it?

is it because... youre worried that if you admit this... you will risk hurting your adoptive parents feelings... and if you hurt them... then you risk losing them? and the thought of losing another set of parents... is unbearable...

is it because

unlike me and others like me - you never had a real addiction... you have only had healthy dating relationships... you have a wonderful relationship with your parents... youre not one to be so affected by the actions of others... you are never scared of being left ... you see no point in looking to the past... youre well adjusted and well educated... you are strong - you dont let your emotions dictate you use the brain you were given... you have god and the church... you have a good comfortable life... youre not the complaining type... you hate when people complain...

... whatever your reasons are...

its ok

... but its also ok you know... to admit... to yourself... that youve never stopped wondering or missing her... and at times hating her...

its ok to admit that maybe you feel betrayed by your country and your people so why invest into them when they invested so little into you...

its ok to admit that...

you think people should be applauding celebrities for adopting... cuz we all kinda wish that someone irrevocably wealthy had adopted us... i know i sure do...

its ok

that you like being in the house...

im not writing this to say you have to leave

... but i am writing this to say...

one day

if you ever decide

it is worth every piece of courage it will take

to walk out of the house and go into the field

because you will be welcomed home with open arms...

and when you cry...

we will cry with you

and when you rejoice

we will rejoice with you

and when you are confused

we will be confused with you

and when you make an ass of yourself due to bad coping mechanisms

we wont kick you out...

and maybe you will decide to return to the house

but maybe you will realize not only do you love this field

but just how much you have missed and needed this field

... - me