a thought

dearest fellow ibyang employed by holt in eugene oregon and others who live in the house,

please do not think that i am standing in a place of judgement...

i spent about 28 years of my life believing i was white - wondering what the hell all those bitter adoptees were bitchin' about... denouncing it... avoiding korean adoptees or any one who looked asian... i didnt want to be associated with what i was not - i didnt want my identity to be mistaken...

and unlike all those bitter adoptees... i was not bitter... i was fine...

around 29 i began to suspect i wasnt white... and that maybe claiming asians and specifically korean adoptees as friends wasnt such a bad thing... slowly i began to feel less ashamed...

slowly i began to realize... it wasnt that i thought everyone whod already claimed their roots or who were outspoken against int'l adoption was bitter... it was that i was... ashamed.... of being ... of looking... like a korean.

and then ... i began to truly desire to return to the place that i had been born... id always wanted this but id tried to forget... id told myself that only the weak needed to do that... that i was already well adjusted... and sure... id had some rough spots in my coping... but who doesnt?

- i mean everyone drinks away a good five or more years of their life... theres nothing abnormal about being 5'2" and being able to put away 3 plus liters of vodka and a liter of whiskey a week 52 weeks a year for 3 or 4 years without any noticeable side effects... theres nothing abnormal with sleeping around for the sake of it and being completely incapable of admitting to how much i cared about some of them... theres nothing abnormal about having extreme internal panic attacks that id never see someone again when a friend would go to another room for whatever normal mundane reason (i.e. to get a glass of water, to use the bathroom, to answer the phone) - for them to be away for even 5 minutes and to completely convince myself in those 5 minutes that they had forgotten me and probably hated me and probably never really liked me... absolutely nothing abnormal about any of this... we all have shit to deal with... and i was just typical... i wasnt coping anyways... i was just living my life... and being adopted definitely didnt affect my mental or emotional state...

... and then it began to hit me... that maybe this wasnt normal... or at least maybe not healthy... that maybe these things were what the western world calls "coping mechanisms" ...

... and then it began to hit me that maybe... there was something to be said for the fact that to this day i still struggle with the fact that my first mental response when something feels too out of control or painful my first thought for how to deal with it is to go buy a few bottles... or go find some available person to take home...

... and only in the past months have i even been able to begin to fully address these things...

only in the past couple years have i been able to begin to start to want to change these patterns... and in doing so... looking at what it was i wasnt admitting...

and in that... looking at ... what i felt ashamed of...

i was ashamed of being korean.

i was ashamed of this body... this face... this skin...

i was so ashamed that i couldnt even let myself get indignant ... or acknowledge that i cared ... because if i did that ... then id have to admit to myself... not only my shame... but just how much... i have never stopped mourning the loss of my umma - my mother...

and to admit that would be to admit just how very human my heart really is...

and somehow the costs of not admitting were easier... pissing people off... offending them... making them think that i was disrespectful of what theyd asked of me - even when i respected what they asked i didnt have the ground to stand on to be able to prove to them that i was speaking the truth... i never lied to anyone... but i lied to myself a lot...

and so...

my fellow ibyangs... who work for holt... who think adoptees like me who believe that there needs to be a HUGE and DRAMATIC shift and change in int'l adoption policies and most likely be put to an end... those who think me... us... bitter

... i cannot judge you... because i spent most of my life living in "the house"... its only been oh so recent where i have decided to return to "the field" that i was born of... my friends can attest to this...

keeping me grateful for the reality and possibilities that evolution allows us...

... and all of this is only the prelude to what i want to ask you

...

how can you work for a place like that?

a place that has lied about so many of us in order to make money?

how can you work for a place that continues to deny adoptees access to personal background information?

is it because you think that if you do not you will be classified as bitter?

is it because you feel so indebted to a white society that raised us?

is it because you say as i once did "im not really korean... i just look it... im more white than korean" or "im not like those others - theyre so weak and bitter... complaining all the time - they dont get how lucky they are"

is it because... those in the field remind you of your precarious position in the house?

is it because you... (like me... like most of us... have been... ) ashamed?

is it because... this whole thing affects you so much more than your heart can bear? that you have never stopped missing her? that you have never stopped knowing just how much this hurts?

is it because if you admit to all of that... if you admit how fucked up this leaves you feeling... youd probably break down and cry for days?

is it because ... you hate how much it affects you... and so its easier to say it doesnt really matter and you dont really get it when others make a big deal out of it?

is it because... youre worried that if you admit this... you will risk hurting your adoptive parents feelings... and if you hurt them... then you risk losing them? and the thought of losing another set of parents... is unbearable...

is it because

unlike me and others like me - you never had a real addiction... you have only had healthy dating relationships... you have a wonderful relationship with your parents... youre not one to be so affected by the actions of others... you are never scared of being left ... you see no point in looking to the past... youre well adjusted and well educated... you are strong - you dont let your emotions dictate you use the brain you were given... you have god and the church... you have a good comfortable life... youre not the complaining type... you hate when people complain...

... whatever your reasons are...

its ok

... but its also ok you know... to admit... to yourself... that youve never stopped wondering or missing her... and at times hating her...

its ok to admit that maybe you feel betrayed by your country and your people so why invest into them when they invested so little into you...

its ok to admit that...

you think people should be applauding celebrities for adopting... cuz we all kinda wish that someone irrevocably wealthy had adopted us... i know i sure do...

its ok

that you like being in the house...

im not writing this to say you have to leave

... but i am writing this to say...

one day

if you ever decide

it is worth every piece of courage it will take

to walk out of the house and go into the field

because you will be welcomed home with open arms...

and when you cry...

we will cry with you

and when you rejoice

we will rejoice with you

and when you are confused

we will be confused with you

and when you make an ass of yourself due to bad coping mechanisms

we wont kick you out...

and maybe you will decide to return to the house

but maybe you will realize not only do you love this field

but just how much you have missed and needed this field

... - me