a sort of essay on a sort of return to simplicity written in a fragmented format

the complexity is dwindling
to something less
... than intricate
dwindled down to one word
understandings
like:
"아니 "
"동생"
that leave a smile

but thats two more words than before

even a
문자
of being called a
"바보"
can somehow bring delight

like for a moment foreign is just a bit less foreign

and when she says
"안녕"
on the phone
and i give the wrong response
of formality
im no longer 33
or 34
or 35
depending on the calendar
im back to 5
lying on the carpet of my parents bedroom
asking my mother
"well what if...
what if one day..."

suddenly shopping for clothes has taken on new meaning
suddenly
just walking in a certain way
brings an odd kind of
delight

i
we
are the oddest mix
native born foreigners
having to claw our way to figure out
our
mother tongue

if statistics are to be proven right
then
im close to half way through it all
and yet somehow
these days

im back to my beginning

and the salvation that the preachers preached

ah now

finally now i know

what it was that they were
ranting on about

sinner turned saint turned sinner

re-turned to being

human...

just being in a car
thats not driven by a taxi driver
diving down the hectic streets
even that

even that

feels good

and i dont know if i just wrote the wrong word in hangul
but the attempt
was honest

so much has taken place
in so short a span of time

so much living

in a just a matter of weeks

and there is no way to return time to its infant stages
some things
are just gone

but now i know
that theres a whole lifetime
to
be had

and so today's comfort with a couple words
and the other day's joy of being in a car
and tonight's times of gesturing out yay or nays

eventually will turn to
fluency

but for now
for now

i am happy
with

this return to complicated
simplicity

just like how this beer

it tastes

so good

christmas in seoul

tis a (relatively) well known fact that i am not a fan of christmas... not a fan of all the "things" of materialism and religiosity : "buy me this buy me that and let's remember 'the reason for the season' "

so i quite quite quite enjoyed xmas eve and xmas day here... as the only point of these two days is to meet up with friends and either go out to eat or eat at someone's house... fortunately i was able to do both :-)

my seeming lack of blogging as of late is due to having a rather constipated mind and heart... which is good... but is resulting in a lot of churning over of words and thoughts inside myself... to be spewed forth at a later date

... anyhow

life is good

and basically as my fb status says at the moment:

"there are two ways to look at the world: as if everything is a miracle or nothing is a miracle." albert einstein

(i believe the first... )


... i thought a lot about xmas in lithuania last night... and found myself missing sirvintos and the salatos.. and led zeppelin at odd hours...

ahh its the simplicity and quiet that i like the most about christmas... and have always done my best to seek it ... and thusfar have been quite lucky in finding it - be it in lithuania, austria, the chappelles of so cal, korea or where-ever else...

24 dec 08

at sangsu station on the way to an (overpriced) dinner in itaewon with sora and anja and others...





25 dec 08

at kim yoo min and chan-hwa's

turkey, mashed potatoes, and of course the necessary all important pickles and radish kimchi

the river

the river
it runs deep
wide
and
dry
splitting the earth at its seams
filled with the unshed tears of
200 plus thousand ummas who weep in buried corners of their hearts

this city
country
so beautiful
cracked down its center
by a shame so deep
its own people
have dug to bury
labeling its own
"foreigners"
sending us away
oh how the world has failed its ummas
how the world has failed the children of this earth

secrets that run back to the shilla
secrets that run back 5 plus generations back
crashing up onto the highways

and i
i walk down this riverbed
sinking in its mire
few will stop to help
most will turn
blind eyes
most will say
"was not me"

whilst i point my finger saying
"i love you but you could not love me"

father forgive

riverbeds
are going to split this land
till ummas are allowed to stand heads public -
wail
and
mourn

father forgive this land
how i love it
my body knows it
i am born of it

born of this riverbed
mire
waves
shores
gutted farmlands

we're the stains
that you cannot wash or wipe away
you have denied the ummas all their tears

i am of you
i am you

purest form
that i could ever be

and in each finding
in each tear finally allowed to flow

the riverbed
begins to heal
this
land so beautiful
and its people
so

i lay down my hand
pull in my fingers
and can
no longer
blame

can only
join the ummas
and howl the tears that they were forced to send away

3 weeks to the day

last night i
held her sadness in my arms
-she wore it like a cloak

tonight i cannot sleep
because
because
i do not know what tomorrow holds
do not know if on saturday i will knock or run

last night i held
the sadness of 200,000 ommas in my arms
even though she was not one of them

i cannot sleep
and i need sleep
i am hours deprived
but what ifs are churning
what ifs are the steady drip

and so tonight
i will go out
to forget
just for a moment
how last night
i held her
sadness in my arms

i will drown this coffee and its grounds
i will spill life onto the streets

will watch the sun rise

my feet
what will they touch upon

and will my body
remember anything?

last night
i held the sadness of my mother
in my arms
in the shape and form
of
her.

II.

the women chit chat pitter patter in their english
call me
nice things
tell me just how much an artist i must be

buy me samgyupsal
pour me shots of soju

want their pictures taken with me

want my number
want my email

want me to come back

"welcome home"
they say

"oh yes youre definitely korean" (in some ways)

they tell me everything ive waited 32 33 34 years to hear
(lunar calendar has increased my longevity by 2 at this rate)

... "no no this is special we dont usually do this"
they chirp
buying me dinner

treating me like i used to dream about

its the simplest smallest tiniest things

"your english is so good"
says one

"its cuz shes american"
another laughs

"but is korean"
another smiles

"your style its so individual"
they chorus

and i think of minneapolis
and friends

and i think of all those days months years in europe
and friends

and i think how
i cried all the way from here to oregon

and i wonder bout the weekend

and i think about how i am here

i am really here

"what are your impressions of korea?"

they smile when i tell them with my tired eyes

they smile satisfied

they smile with "of course you do"

when i tell them

with clipped english

touching hand to heart

"being here. i feel so good. so happy."

and then i touch my hand to my stomach
sit back
sigh

"no no no im full"

as they offer me an after course of

noodles

...

III.

"i need you"
i cant refuse those words

to be needed
HERE?

after being sent away

and then told
"need"

after being so not
needed
at the beginning

this need
to be
needed
here

it runs deeper than i knew

i saw her

i saw her on the metro

shes the woman with the plush velvet crayola deep blue green jacket
- prim and proper

shes the woman smiling at me - kind face kind eyes

shes the crazy ranting woman muttering inanities to herself - clutching her fisherman's cap...

shes the women learning english "we have a peettie teacher"

... shes the one inviting me to eat

- (its the need to know that will undo and redo)

shes the fish seller on the street

the woman dishing kimchi

shes the one im talking to telling her "your love will not go forgotten... your courage will save her from my state of loss"

shes the one i cant keep staring at

the one i cant stop looking for

shes the pitchforked halo spinning o'er my waking sleeping

last night i dreamt of five

five women sent away

by a minister

and we

we

i

were the ones to bear the mark

the minister

he had

no shame

... shes the one

who visits without appearing

shes the women on the metro

on the streets

in the bars

serving food

learning english

asking me how much i weigh saying "no less"

... shes the one in need of all this:

redeeming

yoo-min's bday at goowol on 6 dec 08

this is for
every birthday never spent
every candle never shown

this is for
every present never given
ever party not invited to

this is for being sent away
for
all the photos that my albums do not hold

this is for the life i could have
should have
lived

this is for
32
33
an invisible year lost
now reclaimed

this is for
every mamma who dared
every child still crying
"i want my mommy
no my REAL mommy"

this is for
every friend i never made
every lover never met

this is for
"you think you know so much
think you can read between my lines
you dont even know the half of it"

this is for
every ahjima whose lying
to protect her hidden secret
every father who does not know
does not care
drunk on soju with a wife tapping on the kitchen clock

this is for
do i stay
or
do i go
either way
there'll be trouble

this is for
every cake i never saw
every clap never heard
every k-pop song i cant recall

this is for
every racial that is trans
every man woman whose still torn up inside

this is for
loss loss loss
re-gain
re-gain
re
gain

this is for 15 bottles of beer on the wall
that we kicked down one autumn night
outside aldershot

this is for the conversation that i may never get to have
the words i need to speak
this is for telling
someone
who at least is somehow more a part of her
than anyone else ive ever known

this is for
every birthday party
i never celebrated
in the place that i was

born