holt

thoughts part I:

this is not about
you
this really is
about
us
about
me
about where i come from
about my right to wonder
to want to know
to question
to desire
to bang my head against the wall
to love the moment just for me and mine

this is not about
how cute the babies are
or how "haha looks like he/she could be yours"

this is not about
any of that
not about something you did or did not do
we know we're yours
you know youre ours

... this is about
what belongs to us
what belongs to me

without bitterness
without hate

but with love






we went to holt today... which is within walking distance of where we are staying...
... met with my post adoption case worker...
and then walked up the street to where holt houses the "children who are still waiting"
... beyond laughing at each other in the smocks that they had us put on before we went into the nursery...
... today... has given me even more to think about...
there are several schools of thought on international adoptions... but for now... these are discussions that i need to contain to discussions i have with fellow adoptees etc...
there have been many revelations... some of them... most of them... quite unexpected...
... finding out things i once thought impossible that id ever find out...
it is a lot to wrap one's head around...
and so for now i will stick to showing photos from today...

... and that i think its important that individuals who are either considering adoption... have adopted ... or just know someone who is adopted... take the time to do the research on international adoption... to read more than just what the agency gives or tells them... but to listen closely to the experiences of other adoptees... to find out about the economics etc and why a country is allowing for so many of its children to be sent off to foreign countries... how it is that orphanages have and continue to go about taking in "orphans" etc... to not just see this as saving a child from some unknown fate... or as an easier means of having a child...






























thoughts part II:

we were told
it doesnt matter
that this is our home now
our family
our new life

we were told
she loved us
wanted the best for us

... that meant
we should move on
let go
be happy
and
grateful

... and we are
happy
and
grateful

but...
all those years of telling
robbed us
of
our right(s)
to
wonder
to
cry
to shout out in anger
to hate the injustice
to desire our beginnings
to feel so frustrated

to carry the weight of
yes
understanding
and
no regrets
but
for someone to finally listen when we say
how much this hurts sometimes

that its not that we'd leave you for her
but
we just want the same thing you had in your life
to know
the name
the face
and who she was