en route

we pass over the arctic



... 32 years of waiting and only a few miles away





...

arrived into seoul round 16.50 local time...

men saying "taxi taxi" to us...

... this is supposed to feel profound
i keep thinking
but all i can feel is exhaustion

... go to this xmas party hosted by g.o.a.l. ...
hundreds of korean adoptees
... our own little world
people in the states would say
"wow you all look alike"
... truth is we dont look like anyone who lives here...
... and i dont know
as we eat pasta
and drink wine
and try to keep our eyes from closing
... and all the girls look like women
and molly holt... the daughter of bertha and harry holt
the two who basically made the adoption of koreans possible...
she's now this little old woman
and she tells me that my hair looks like the korean babies...
(all stuck straight up)
... and i dont know

we joke this morning that korean adoptees smoke like chimneys...

... something in me begins to care less and less about this whole...
"fitting in"

... there are no dramatic feelings
no tears

... just this sense that

this

THIS HERE

this is where i was born
this is where i am from
this is in my dna

this is...

me.

and these 32 years of pressure
its already begun to fade

... and somehow... in less than 24 hours

i feel like...

ive finally come home

... and...

then this morning in the shower
i smile to think that
for the first time i dont have to adjust the height of the shower head

... ....

and being this cross hybrid of korean and "american" and... vagabond
with my first name that is really a korean surname...

... it feels right

...

... i awoke my first morning here no longer 31... but 32...

... its a good way to start the year

...

... that whole feeling ive been carrying of never really quite being the right fit
... its not that i now fit in
its that
i dont know
i just dont care so much
at least
not today