...
I.
city streets
winding
cracked
up and down hills
rubbish piled up against posts
and curbs
winter's biting through my jeans
i wear boots that hold up the que at the door
tucked and buried
... eels lumped lazily at the bottom of their tanks
waiting
to be served out to the hungry
but i dont like snakes
... of any kind
... the bones from tonight's pork
were their own installation piece
punching air on the wii game
technology keeps advancing
but i swear id rather read my books on paper
... i was losing weight
now im gaining
food i cant quite check the spelling on
seaweed is the best of snacks
these streets
are crumbling
beneath our feet
theyve been crumbling for
dynasties
... everything is pieced together
the food
the smells
the sights
the sounds
the snorts
and
crowds
and shops
and
fried mondu
pieced together like night and day
pieced together
like
the x-y-z's of
one too many years
of
wandering
II.
ibyang
adoptees
neither here nor there
neither this
nor
that
when it comes down to it
these are the ones i should call my own
id like to think we all share the same
deep aches
III.
its not that i think
that if i moved here
id suddenly become
something
more
that somehow the everyday-ness of life
would suddenly make me something closer
to velveteen and
real.
im not lost
havent felt that way since 19
even then it wasnt lost
more like
trying to get found
yes "get"
not
"be"
maybe its the river
maybe its the hours
maybe its just that
i dont know how to live
not wanting more
and this here?
this is
most
of
all the mores.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
saturday night in seoul
clubs...
- no one just stands... you have to have a seat... a booth...
first the pink button... with a girl who seemed to be quite into dancing with the speaker... and suddenly i felt way too old to be out in a club... girls in mickey mouse jumpers and school girl skirts...
corner shop to stock up on soju and snacks for the noraebang (karaoke house - rent a room for however long you like and sing your way into the night)
the doll house noraebang (which by the way i was not convinced to partake in no matter how much soju i may or may not have ingested) - but where on a cold winter's night you can get free ice cream
... a pit stop at the krispy kreme... where julie and su-yoon created donut art
and then up to the 8th floor to labris... where we had a perfect view of everything below... realizing that be it pi in mpls or labris or pink button in seoul - there are standard tracks that must be played... fortunately though we never heard any kelly clarkson...
....
.... out till 4 or so in the morning... sleep till noon... ive lost track of days... i think we leave here soon... i dont think i want to leave... if i had a fatter bank account id stay... learn the language... so that when i get mistaken for being korean id be able to respond...
funny thing that... in the states i... we.... get mistaken for being chinese... japanese... vietnamese... even peruvian... but never for being KOREAN...
and now here... for the first time ever.... everyone just assumes that we are true koreans... well... strangely dressed koreans... who due to the fact that we dont wear heels and run about in jeans we must be 23...
...
i feel like all i do is blog on here about impersonal things... clubs... food... palaces... etc...
its just... where does one begin with the topic of ica adoptions... and birth mothers... and roots... and what we lost... and how no one should ever have to feel grateful for being adopted and its ok to be angry for what we lost...
we lost our land... we lost our inheritance... we lost our people... our sense of nationalism... a belief system... a way of living and doing things...
and it is gone now...
we were born here... this is ours...
but we were turned... american... european... australian... etc... and now we cant remember... but we sense it... we feel its nudge...
this is our country our place of origin... our ancestory.... our dna...
... and where does one begin to point the finger?
at korea for lacking the social system to take care of its own and allowing for religious beliefs to make blood lines so important that children were abandoned and left in stations and reception centers cuz their families would not step up?
at the states and its lusty g.i.'s making g.i. babies and leaving them behind?
at the states and adoption agencies for turning the selling of korean babies into a HUGE money making scheme?
at our mothers for not having the strength to say fuckit to the system and keeping us?
at our grandparents who gave our mothers a belief system that it wasnt ok to keep us?
at confucious for his blood line theories?
at the social workers who sat around smoking cigarettes not doing anything? who still dont do anything but photocopy files for us and say "sorry cant tell you"
at holt - who began because there was a legitimate need and now does nothing to support its adoptees?
at our parents who couldnt have kids or wanted a specific gender or thought asian babies were so cute that they bought us like one goes to rescue a puppy from the pound? who in their love for us caused us to forget that we are not white but korean.
at the schools we went to? where we worked so hard to fit in and be seen as white? so that when we looked in the mirror we were too surprised?
at each other? where we've spent so long avoiding one another because we didnt want to be associated with being asian?
at jesus christ and the baptist church just because its always easy to blame god and religion for everything?
at the people we now surround ourselves with because they let us get away with the jokes that we shouldnt be making?
at my brother who said "oh i bet its cool looking like everyone else" - and trying to explain - no i dont look korean i look like im from the west...
at a world that has failed its orphans... and lives in ignorance of adoptees and says "well at least you were adopted and had a family - imagine how horrible your life would be in korea if you were an orphan" ...
im tired of imagining how horrible it would have been
i need to begin to believe how beautiful it could have been
i see the beauty of this city... of its people... i know it has its darkness' ...
but im tired of always saying THANK YOU FOR ADOPTING ME
i want to say "its not that simple. with every gain there is a price... the price we paid ... the price ive paid... is to lose my people my cultural identity... to have lived ashamed of being korean in terms of i get along better with white people than koreans... used to... now its... different"
tired of having to make people around me feel ok with my shit
its my shit and if i want to be angry some days i think i deserve that
we've been saying thank you since you bought us
... now its my turn to say
"yeah but im also pissed. holt sold me for profit. you bought me cuz you wanted a girl and couldnt have one and you liked korean babies and the waiting list for white ones in america was too long. holt says WELCOME TO YOUR MOTHERLAND" but they wont tell me what i should be allowed to know. no one is saying anything. all they say is "say thank you and be appreciative" "
how stupid do people think we are?
of course we know
of course we realize
youve made that very clear to us
... but for once
couldnt you just
listen to us?
to listen to why this also hurts?
how frustrating it is to be in the land that you were BORN
and sent away from
and to return
and to have no idea
what someone says to you
and you know deep down inside
that you really should be able to understand
but all of this
who wants to hear this?
i mean
theyd rather see photos of palaces
and kimchi
and silk worms
cuz this?
this just sounds like kim's some ungrateful bitter angry adoptee with issues...
... cuz thats easier to think than to think about the realities of how messed up this entire system is and that there is no easy solution... and that adoption is NOT JUST some beautiful wonderful thing... and that ive yet to meet any one who was adopted because they werent plan b or c ... where we werent filling someone else's needs.
... of course im grateful for my life... i have amazing friends... some very amazing family members... i have seen and been able to experience so many places ... im lucky... im fortunate.
but i also have a deep sense of loss...
and that loss gives me my right to feeling angry about it... because i never had a say in whether or not i wanted to grow up here.
cuz i seriously doubt that id have ended up a prostitute or dead as holt liked to tell us...
because one thing i have learned... not just from my time here... but in my travels... in every place that i have ever lived... the desire to survive and to live and to make the most of ones life... is strong - and desire is innate.
and my desire to be who and what i am... has always been there
the baptists couldnt squelch it...
... and as the bible says
"man may kill the body but he cannot kill the soul"
... we walk this fine line
paper thin
as strong as steel
... complex and intricate
nothing is ever quite what it seems
does altruism wash the stains of sin away?
- no one just stands... you have to have a seat... a booth...
first the pink button... with a girl who seemed to be quite into dancing with the speaker... and suddenly i felt way too old to be out in a club... girls in mickey mouse jumpers and school girl skirts...
corner shop to stock up on soju and snacks for the noraebang (karaoke house - rent a room for however long you like and sing your way into the night)
the doll house noraebang (which by the way i was not convinced to partake in no matter how much soju i may or may not have ingested) - but where on a cold winter's night you can get free ice cream
... a pit stop at the krispy kreme... where julie and su-yoon created donut art
and then up to the 8th floor to labris... where we had a perfect view of everything below... realizing that be it pi in mpls or labris or pink button in seoul - there are standard tracks that must be played... fortunately though we never heard any kelly clarkson...
....
.... out till 4 or so in the morning... sleep till noon... ive lost track of days... i think we leave here soon... i dont think i want to leave... if i had a fatter bank account id stay... learn the language... so that when i get mistaken for being korean id be able to respond...
funny thing that... in the states i... we.... get mistaken for being chinese... japanese... vietnamese... even peruvian... but never for being KOREAN...
and now here... for the first time ever.... everyone just assumes that we are true koreans... well... strangely dressed koreans... who due to the fact that we dont wear heels and run about in jeans we must be 23...
...
i feel like all i do is blog on here about impersonal things... clubs... food... palaces... etc...
its just... where does one begin with the topic of ica adoptions... and birth mothers... and roots... and what we lost... and how no one should ever have to feel grateful for being adopted and its ok to be angry for what we lost...
we lost our land... we lost our inheritance... we lost our people... our sense of nationalism... a belief system... a way of living and doing things...
and it is gone now...
we were born here... this is ours...
but we were turned... american... european... australian... etc... and now we cant remember... but we sense it... we feel its nudge...
this is our country our place of origin... our ancestory.... our dna...
... and where does one begin to point the finger?
at korea for lacking the social system to take care of its own and allowing for religious beliefs to make blood lines so important that children were abandoned and left in stations and reception centers cuz their families would not step up?
at the states and its lusty g.i.'s making g.i. babies and leaving them behind?
at the states and adoption agencies for turning the selling of korean babies into a HUGE money making scheme?
at our mothers for not having the strength to say fuckit to the system and keeping us?
at our grandparents who gave our mothers a belief system that it wasnt ok to keep us?
at confucious for his blood line theories?
at the social workers who sat around smoking cigarettes not doing anything? who still dont do anything but photocopy files for us and say "sorry cant tell you"
at holt - who began because there was a legitimate need and now does nothing to support its adoptees?
at our parents who couldnt have kids or wanted a specific gender or thought asian babies were so cute that they bought us like one goes to rescue a puppy from the pound? who in their love for us caused us to forget that we are not white but korean.
at the schools we went to? where we worked so hard to fit in and be seen as white? so that when we looked in the mirror we were too surprised?
at each other? where we've spent so long avoiding one another because we didnt want to be associated with being asian?
at jesus christ and the baptist church just because its always easy to blame god and religion for everything?
at the people we now surround ourselves with because they let us get away with the jokes that we shouldnt be making?
at my brother who said "oh i bet its cool looking like everyone else" - and trying to explain - no i dont look korean i look like im from the west...
at a world that has failed its orphans... and lives in ignorance of adoptees and says "well at least you were adopted and had a family - imagine how horrible your life would be in korea if you were an orphan" ...
im tired of imagining how horrible it would have been
i need to begin to believe how beautiful it could have been
i see the beauty of this city... of its people... i know it has its darkness' ...
but im tired of always saying THANK YOU FOR ADOPTING ME
i want to say "its not that simple. with every gain there is a price... the price we paid ... the price ive paid... is to lose my people my cultural identity... to have lived ashamed of being korean in terms of i get along better with white people than koreans... used to... now its... different"
tired of having to make people around me feel ok with my shit
its my shit and if i want to be angry some days i think i deserve that
we've been saying thank you since you bought us
... now its my turn to say
"yeah but im also pissed. holt sold me for profit. you bought me cuz you wanted a girl and couldnt have one and you liked korean babies and the waiting list for white ones in america was too long. holt says WELCOME TO YOUR MOTHERLAND" but they wont tell me what i should be allowed to know. no one is saying anything. all they say is "say thank you and be appreciative" "
how stupid do people think we are?
of course we know
of course we realize
youve made that very clear to us
... but for once
couldnt you just
listen to us?
to listen to why this also hurts?
how frustrating it is to be in the land that you were BORN
and sent away from
and to return
and to have no idea
what someone says to you
and you know deep down inside
that you really should be able to understand
but all of this
who wants to hear this?
i mean
theyd rather see photos of palaces
and kimchi
and silk worms
cuz this?
this just sounds like kim's some ungrateful bitter angry adoptee with issues...
... cuz thats easier to think than to think about the realities of how messed up this entire system is and that there is no easy solution... and that adoption is NOT JUST some beautiful wonderful thing... and that ive yet to meet any one who was adopted because they werent plan b or c ... where we werent filling someone else's needs.
... of course im grateful for my life... i have amazing friends... some very amazing family members... i have seen and been able to experience so many places ... im lucky... im fortunate.
but i also have a deep sense of loss...
and that loss gives me my right to feeling angry about it... because i never had a say in whether or not i wanted to grow up here.
cuz i seriously doubt that id have ended up a prostitute or dead as holt liked to tell us...
because one thing i have learned... not just from my time here... but in my travels... in every place that i have ever lived... the desire to survive and to live and to make the most of ones life... is strong - and desire is innate.
and my desire to be who and what i am... has always been there
the baptists couldnt squelch it...
... and as the bible says
"man may kill the body but he cannot kill the soul"
... we walk this fine line
paper thin
as strong as steel
... complex and intricate
nothing is ever quite what it seems
does altruism wash the stains of sin away?
Saturday, December 29, 2007
gyeongbokgung palace
Built at the beginning of the Chosun Dynasty when the Yi Dynasty moved the capital to Seoul, this palace remained the main seat of power for Korea kings throughout much of the time to the present. Gyeongbok means Shining Happiness. The main gate (Kwanghwa-mun) separates Gyeongbok Palace from one of the busiest areas of Seoul. Gyeongbok Palace was built as the primary palace of the Chosun Kingdom by its founder, King Taejo in 1395, the fourth year of his reign.
It was destroyed during the Japanese invasion of 1592 and left in ruins for over 250 years. Starting in 1865, it was rebuilt to its original grandeur. When Korea was annexed by Japan in 1910, most of the 200 building on the palace grounds were torn down by the Japanese, leaving only a dozen structures. The map near the front entrance shows the arrangement of the complex during the latter part of the reign of King Kojong. It shows the major hails, pavilions, offices, storerooms, gates and bridges of the 419,100 square meter grounds.
http://www.lifeinkorea.com/Travel2/66
changing of the guard
a few images from inside the palace museum
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
