hangul and the toothless ahjima hag

FIRST... some facts about today...

su-yoon went to the gym and i who gave up exercise for art years ago went to a coffeeshop (ok i went to caribou cuz it was close to where su-yoon's gym is) ...

went there and began what i think will be a rather arduous journey in trying to learn the basics of hangul (korean) ... there is something quite disconcerting about having such a mental block with learning the language that is actually the first language i ever knew... as in the first 15 months of my life were spent immersed solely in hangul... and now to have to sit with a book called "your first 100 words in korean" and create flashcards just to learn the alphabet... its... bizarre... and even more bizarre that at this moment my german and lithuanian far surpass my korean language skills... in fact my polish is better than my korean and i could never claim to even know the basics of polish...

so i find myself back at square one... and i have mixed feelings about this whole thing... and its embarrassing to my ego that when the barista shouts out that my drink is up it takes a good five minutes for both the barista and i to figure out that the drink that is up is mine...

still ... the fact is... i am quite aware of the fact that i must learn the basics of the language or else i shall be doomed to spending the next 3 or so months living off of soju - dukboki - and dunhills... as these seem to be the only things that i can communicate my need for... that and im appreciative of my fingers as they allow me to point to things that i think i may want... that and ... a head nod gets one quite a ways when youre not quite sure how to say "yes" or "thank you"

... i am more than ever grateful for ann marsden's gift of my nikon d100... tis the most beautiful of cameras to own right now... and makes the whole taking photos of myself whilst studying quite a bit easier ;-)










then met up with su-yoon ... got some dukboki and mandu... thought of julie and how she would not be happy about sitting eating and staring at a giant bowl of intestines stuffed with blood and noodles... but that the dukboki and mandu woulda made her happy...

went up to a "traditional" coffeeshop - stared down on the city... studied korean... and then headed off to a "thanksgiving meal" hosted by "MIX" - a group of bi-racial/mixed koreans living here...

and then... well thats what the whole "prose" bit of this blog is going to be about...








... one more fact...

tomorrow (sunday... well technically its already sunday as its 12.23 in the morning right now) ... my childhood friend tara will be arriving... we met at the age of 9 at holt heritage camp... up until i met julie 3 or so years ago... tara was my only korean adoptee friend... she was the one who i could talk with even when i pretended like being adopted didnt affect me... we used to say that one day we would return to korea together... 23 years later we will finally meet in the place that we began... this fact is beyond beautiful to me

... and now to blogging:

there is
something about
being kicked out of
denied service by a toothless hag of an ahjima
all because i have tattoos
i feel my face turn red... and i think of
every swear word i could say to her
"you no good goddamned toothless old hag how dare you kick us out -
maybe if you and your people had had the balls to actually look after your orphans
if youd not been so self serving and sold us out to the west so that you could buy your dingy-ass shithole of a kavine...
then maybe i wouldnt have these tattoos
maybe id look like all the other girls
maybe id be in here with my mother
but NO
you had to kick us to the curb
and youre kicking us to the curb again
ive put up with racism
for most of my life
and to take it from you is the biggest insult
and i dont want or need to 'suck-it-up'
cuz how fuckin' dare you deny us service
all cuz i have tattoos
and if you knew even the smallest thing about me
well then
youd know how soft these tats are

(i later tell su-yoon
"i should get a tat that says
in hangul
'im a pacifist'.")

and i want to blame her for 55 years of 200,000
i want to tell her
"yeah whatever at least i have all my teeth and even at my most haggard im better looking than you cuz ive got all my teeth you stupid stupid prejudiced woman how dare you treat your own like this"

but then 5 minutes later we're drinking soju at this sweet little place
and i just cant
or dont
or wont
care anymore

cuz she's a toothless ahjima and she'll be re-paid by forces stronger than me for her
no good hate

and even i know
i cant blame her for what has happened to us all
(even though id like to)

but this was what id wanted

to know the truth

to know the ugly with the beautiful

and tonight i met a part of ugly

not for toothless
but for her
narrow-minded hate

but somehow it hurts more than the spit of skinheads in lithuania

cuz we share the same face