things to miss

(from l-r: sora, anja, kim, su-yoon, julie)

I.

i shall miss
(smoking)
the last cigarette

before bedtime

(in the kitchen)

sitting on the ground
round an ashtray the size of a full moon
when standing here on earth

... mugs of tea

... su yoon and her
laughter

sleeping on the edge of a futon
careful to keep distance in our sleep

sharing every hour of the day
with a friend

... i shall miss the
uneven streets
the
inclines
and
dips

as if the earth is bursting at its very seams

cobblestones jutting out

... mandoo
kimchi
kimbap stops
and
pickled radish

i shall miss
the
fish vegetable
scarf and mitten
pirated dvd
vendors

the buses
that shake the ground

the way the sun sets over a city of 12 million

... i shall miss
the t-money
dangly bling from your phone
tv in the palm of your hand
women in high heels
men who make beckham seem butch
and
"special price for you"
sing songs
on the streets

the "tell me tell me"
k-pop booming from every store
and
rice cakes whenever you desire

... miss the
streets full of people
where if youre not korean you stand out
and old men humming to themselves at crosswalks

... thirty one point six years ago a silver stork
with jet engines beneath its wings
carried me away
one way ticket to
"america"
and"opportunity"

... at 32 i finally hopped on the return leg of that
departure

... today
we leave

simply put
...

so much of me would like to
stay

II.

"my family"
my family
for being orphaned
ive got a lot of family
... more than 155,000
brothers and sisters
scattered
to lands long ago conquested by england spain and france
because our land
our motherland
refused to let us grow our roots

... and then there are the ones we never hear of
who all we have been told
"do not have it easy"

... i am the first in my bloodline
i will be the only

... but i have a lot of family

and they

they
have my heart

III.

"little girl little girl
where did you go?
to the land of rice and yellow skinned people?
did you find you mother?
what was it like finally looking like everyone else?"

... no one's yellow
rice is hard to grow here
koreans didnt always know what to make of us

... we got overcharged because they thought we were foreigners
prices dropped when they heard the truth
jaws dropped
when they heard that one big word
"ibyang"

... ive been to london
and ive been to france
ive walked the baltic shores
and stood by lenin's tomb

but nothing that i have ever done
no place that i have ever seen or lived

could be so much as this

dear friend
dear friend

ive been to (the)
land of tigers
magpies
emperors'
and
pride

the land from which i am
descended
the city
which lies rich inside of me

not to epcot

but to

the land of the han

... my people
my race
my mine.

IV.

we leave in hours
on a plane
headed west

i want to board the flight
watch a lot of films
eat food
drink bloody mary's
and
sleep

i want to
land
in minneapolis
speed away to my flat

and spend the next days and weeks and months
just writing
just being

V.

maybe you are here
maybe you kept looking up
remembering
wanting
wondering

maybe one day
you will be found
maybe one day
i'll be allowed to know your name

... im leaving omma
but i returned
i dont know if we shall ever meet

my parents
they liked to tell me
that we would meet in heaven

id like to see you here on earth
cuz im not so sure if there is even heaven

... how is it that i can love a face i cant recall?
a voice id never recognize?
a hand i dont remember taking mine

still
omma

i came back

i came back for you
not to find
but to somehow
know

ive spent weeks now in your city
maybe we passed each other
maybe you got on the train as i stepped off

i met more like me
ibyang i mean

... omma know
that after being here

i think i finally
can
forgive you