remembering reminding

(on the way from nakpoong-ri)


oh the ocean will not hold me
and the rivers cannot bend
everything is brighter
darker
than the days before arriving

and in the midst of chaos
is a comfort of
familiarity
is the comfort of
the past

and i can no longer run from
what ive been running towards

and the world
i cant find the way to pause it
cant find the way to stop it
so then
how (do) i move in
through
and
with
it?

oh the waves theyre not crashing in my dreams
as they have for 30 something years

and these 3 decades plus of living
arent like id imagined at the age of
12

confusion laps up onto more
and its not about you
not about her
but about
what it is i came here for

though some day i find negligent acts of avoidance
to be the only way to hit this pause
though all that does is make it all spin faster

and i dont know if i should
or
should not

to move from letting go to
frantic holding on
to utter indifference

i am the ocean
that cannot contain
my own
moon pull
my own
gravity

and the waves
though they will wash
crash
over

they will not
cannot drown
- this much ive dreamt before
this much i am assured of

and beautiful is beautiful
but crazy is too much
and i cant play the push and pull away
even though ive been pawning in this for one too many years
even though i always throw in my cards

oh its a go stop
stop go
flip switch
quick trip turn around
of becoming

and eventually
the rose petals
will stop swirling

it is the settling
that i am waiting for

it is the sea to calm
the rose petals to lie upon the earth
the crazy beautiful chaos to turn to
deep sigh peace release

it is
to find the middle ground
and not all these everyday extremes

i dream now
of a sea with waves
that do not crash up onto the highways
but instead
lap upon the coastline
with a sky brighter blue than i will ever show you

this
this
this
is what i came for

to look into the mirror
and see the sea has
calmed

II.

let fade what must
let shine what will
let shimmer what can
let die what needs
let live what does
let be what is
let go what does
let let what lets

i cannot be the one
to make the sadness go away
cannot be the one
to bear the brunt of self destructive hell bent intents
only to be called names

let rise what cannot stay
let stay what grows
let grow what yearns
let yearn what hopes
let hope what remains
let remain what moves
let move what rises

one year later and now i understand her meaning
one year later and now i understand my own mis-understanding
one year later and two things once just dreams are now bittersweet known realities
one year later and now i know
one year later and now i wonder if i still wish to know

let all be does is all the may might must can could should would

be.