musings on 4 months

and she says
"whatd you come here looking for?"

accusing me of wanting
something

cuz everybody
wants
something

... "to create the world with you"
is what i want to say
but its only the 2nd day
so i just say
"nothing"

cuz the kind of something that shes asking
isnt about
creation
its about
- something
else

speed the streets ahead
traffic zooms by
and she no longer asks
a
thing

and we joke
eating
pork wrapped in sesame and lettuce leaves
how everybody choose their alias' now
cuz
"we know we're ending up in the book"

"the book"
like im bout to birth the bible
like im bout to birth the next best great thing
(maybe
i am)
but
(maybe
im not)

for 32 years 362 days ive dreamt that sea
and now im safe inside
from its crashing
safe
because now
ive seen it

and in the inbetweens of late night drinking
the sentences are forming

and in the late night inbetweens of acting out of lusts
the paragraphs are being shaped

for i have memorized your lines
can recall them in my fingertips
can feel still
your hands covering my ears
protecting me from the sounds
of
pre-recorded
calls for
goods to buy and sell

and you?
you were only ever just an excuse
to move on from
what i want but cannot should not have

and you?
you were just a hand
against my flesh

and you?
you were
well
you were there
to prove i have no high ground for some kinds of
morality

but you
you
its always been you

the you who five years later maybe the story could be different
but we met
when i was wearing blue
and no matter all the bad
so much still
is beautiful to recall

you
you are my favorite
from this time
i didnt just come here looking for her
i also came

to

see

if you would
say
"stay"

i have my whole life ahead of me
its begun again so many times

have seen and met
the most interesting of all things

the goodness of my life
is not lost on me

but that will never change just how much more i want...

... "i dont write love poems" i tell her
"yes ... you do" says she
and then lets me pretend that i just dont

she turns her back when i leave
but thats ok
i got exactly what i came here looking for

i saw her smile when no one else was looking

so i can go out into the last days here

and write the kinds of things it is that i write