and maybe the flowers will tell us today
if we just ask the pavement
"where is she?"
perhaps the leaves will answer
"we saw her over there on our way down to this street"
the sisters behind barking dogs and closed gates
chant
"we dont know go away"
the churches turn their eyes towards god too busy to help
so maybe the flowers will answer
maybe the persimmons will whisper
"she stands gazing here each day at noon come back here tomorrow"
the lazy policemen do their best
giving rides to places we've already looked
the cat with the skin off its back just stares
wounded... we are all so wounded
3 lost girls
wandering the streets
trying to find absolution to the heart wrenching questions carried for one small lifetime
- where is she
ask her maybe she knows...
maybe he knows
the man with the patch o'er his face
maybe he can tell us
where she went
mumbling phonetically "mah-chee-so" "mah-chee-say... mah-chee si... mah-chee si si-yo"
she breaks the moment with a pair of socks
knee high
we smile
for the absurdity of the moment
wondering
- will the flowers tell us?
do they even know?
i doubt the birds will speak
when even halmunis amble off
and god's workers are too busy lighting candles / saying prayers
if this were america i would tell you that the policeman was fat and sitting behind a desk chewing on his bakers dozen donut...
but this is korea
so instead he was average height and weight and giving us vitamin drinks happily chattering on about his son and how neighborhoods get re-assigned and how he should do better at his job
if this were america i would tell you that inbetween the search we got id'd for beers
but this is korea
and we chewed thoughtfully on fried dried squid ordering a second round of something new - something blue...
i do not know if and when the trees will choose to speak
what they and they alone know the answer to
for they were there at birth
and are witnessing the return with seeming utter indifference
only caring about their own seasons
with little time to answer us
and the cat seemingly deaf to its own horrific wound just stares
and the policeman returns home to call his son
and we smoke cigarettes behind vans to not be seen
to take another taxi
to walk another street
to wander counting numbers - knocking ringing doors
the half full moon turned yellow
is telling us the answer
but we lack the language
muttering only phonetic repetitions of new words learned
gurgling like babies
meandering like sheep
some look on with suspicion others round the corner looking for the tv host and fame
the flowers
maybe they know
come now... take my hand... and we'll all three go and ask them...
Monday, October 26, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
upon return
so im re-instating this blog now that ive moved (back) to korea
... just that statement... is fully loaded
move to
or
move back
... wrapped up in the conundrum of being korean born western raised
leading to thoughts and questions of
- how exactly am i perceived here
korean americans"kyopos" - which is to say those who grew up in the states with korean parents who made a choice to leave korea - tend to not view korean adoptees as being korean...
korean adoptees often do not see themselves as being anything but white
... theres a lot of writing going on right now about this whole identification and its evolution
today i read something that struck a chord
to be an ibyang - an adoptee
- you spend much of your childhood identifying as western and white
and then for many (not all) around one's 20's/30's - there is a... beginning... in which reclaiming ones "korean-ness" begins
and so as the writing stated - this is often perceived by others as being... "wishy washy" - when really it is a slow evolution that is ongoing...
... it is often believed / thought amongst ibyangs that "korean koreans" (those who were born and raised in korea) - see kyopos as ... traitors because they chose to leave...
ibyangs... we believe ourselves to be perceived differently because it is understood in the very definition of our label that a choice was made for us without our consent... before the age of consent...
... but the truth is... i dont know if any of us really know how "korean koreans" perceive any of us...
maybe they see us as we see ourselves... but i dont think that is likely... seeing as there is no way to explain what it is like to spend the good part of your life believing yourself to be white and quite often doing things to ensure that the rest of your social circles perceive you as no different than them
... who knows... maybe we are just another search/reunion tv show to be watched by ahjumas and halmonis...
maybe we are... these strange outsiders that no one really knows what to do with - and its not like any of us as individuals can help because we're so busy trying to figure out how we see ourselves as individuals...
... in a sort of egoism that is wrapped up in trying to understand my own identity... i cant help but look at my "korean korean" friends and think:
"how exactly do you see me? do you see me the same as any other foreigner? do you see me like a kyopo? do you see me as someone to be pitied? do you even really care that you - you my korean korean brothers and sisters have lost over 200,000 of YOUR own people to international adoption and that there is a 1 in 68 chance that you or a family member knows a korean whose life has been directly affected by adoption... do you feel this loss?"
... i think a lot about... how choosing to search for my umma... was also an unknowing commitment to the possibility of insanity...
since finding her for all the amazing good... how exactly do or could i ever explain what it means to be almost 33 (34 korean) and have your entire sense of self flipped inside out... and for the months that have followed since to still feel so uncertain of what my reactions will be to any given situation...
situations that i used to be able to predict my reaction to
... and im not sure exactly when it is that i will re-discover this ability to predict my own reactions...
... and i have absolutely NO idea as to if/when i will ever feel any true sanity about having found my umma
... on one hand yes - the story of finding is akin to a fairy tale - and i remain mindful everyday of just how fortunate i am... and how i NEVER want to appear to my fellow ibyangs as complaining when i know so many would give everything to have this... to have even just a name or a photograph...
... but on the other hand... it is the most lonely frustrating uncertain thing... there are no role models for this ...
i dont know how im supposed to react
... and to live in that inbetween of being soooo happy to have her in my life again and to feel her happiness... and yet to feel constantly that i remain her dirty little secret...
... i dont know exactly why i am here in korea... why i decided to move
what i do know though is that ever since i was a small child i promised myself and whatever kind of god i then and now believe in - that if i ever found her and if she wanted to know me i would do whatever i needed to - to move here
so this is a 3 plus decade old promise...
... and yes... i do feel a sort of resentment - that i have to give up so much for the person who for whatever valid reasons lacked a courage and continues to lack... i do not know if and when she will ever fully claim me as her own... yes i am her daughter and i am her eldest... but im not allowed to say her name aloud... im not allowed to reveal other potentially identifying family history... in private behind closed doors with trusted folk - yes... but never in public - i am not allowed to claim this... to say what most any other child can say without hesitation to anyone - "my mom's name is.... i have this many brothers/sisters/none" etc...
but i also feel the freedom of choice... i made the choice to look for her... and i made the choice to move here and to get to know her... and i made the choice to do this on her unspoken conditions...
i also made the choice to be a part of this evolution... to move here
to live in this very peculiar inbetween for which very little if any precedence has been set... if anything i think that it is our generation of ibyangs (meaning those of us adopted out in the 70s and very early 80s) that are the ones who are setting ... a sort of precedence... a precedence that is based largely on the fact that there will never be any real strong set of rules or standards or guides for others to look to... because
because
how can you set a standard for something that is so messy
that the more we seek to untangle the more we discover the amount of strings and strands...
i dont know how korean koreans see me... or us... and if they will or could ever see us as what we are - which is one of their own...
because i dont know if we ourselves will ever be able to see us for what we are... which is... one of theirs...
... because the very nature of our existence and our returning is also a reminder of a shameful secret... not just for ummas but for the government and the korean people - each time we appear we are a reminder that the land and country that is so full of beauty and pride
also took part in something so...
abhorrent
... and so i wonder
maybe its easier to keep us at arms distance and remind us how we dont know the language or the food - whilst neglecting the very true reality that there is a reason why we dont know the language or the food and that these reasons have absolutely nothing to do with a choice that we made...
maybe it is easier to only focus on all the things that make us "not korean korean"
to focus on the exciting reunion stories of ibyangs who find their ummas
to ignore that every korean korean has benefited in some way by the selling of us - because we netted profit not just for the agencies but for the korean gov't...
to ignore that not just a few - but many of us were stolen/kidnapped or coerced out of our umma's lives...
to ignore that there is always a possibility that your cousin or brother or sister was sent away and for whatever reasons someone in your family didnt do anything to stop this...
maybe it is easier to instead remind us of just how korean we are not... and how ungrateful we are if we say that we are confused and sad and angry and grateful and
because then all the shameful things can be ignored
because then no one has the responsibility to make sure that the rights of unwed mothers are protected and that those in impoverished circumstances are taken care of...
it means that you dont have to look at me for who and what i am
- one of yours who for reasons that are so messy and complicated was sold to another country to another culture... for money for profit... and no one here did anything to stop it
and no one stopped the selling of 200.000 korean nationals who were sold from their people as babies/small children...
....
yes
it is more than good to be back here
and yes when my korean korean friends refer to me as "unni" or accidentally turn to me and speak korean... that feels so good
... and it is those little things that i hold onto
and that is how i intend to reclaim what was taken
little by little
bit by bit
... just that statement... is fully loaded
move to
or
move back
... wrapped up in the conundrum of being korean born western raised
leading to thoughts and questions of
- how exactly am i perceived here
korean americans"kyopos" - which is to say those who grew up in the states with korean parents who made a choice to leave korea - tend to not view korean adoptees as being korean...
korean adoptees often do not see themselves as being anything but white
... theres a lot of writing going on right now about this whole identification and its evolution
today i read something that struck a chord
to be an ibyang - an adoptee
- you spend much of your childhood identifying as western and white
and then for many (not all) around one's 20's/30's - there is a... beginning... in which reclaiming ones "korean-ness" begins
and so as the writing stated - this is often perceived by others as being... "wishy washy" - when really it is a slow evolution that is ongoing...
... it is often believed / thought amongst ibyangs that "korean koreans" (those who were born and raised in korea) - see kyopos as ... traitors because they chose to leave...
ibyangs... we believe ourselves to be perceived differently because it is understood in the very definition of our label that a choice was made for us without our consent... before the age of consent...
... but the truth is... i dont know if any of us really know how "korean koreans" perceive any of us...
maybe they see us as we see ourselves... but i dont think that is likely... seeing as there is no way to explain what it is like to spend the good part of your life believing yourself to be white and quite often doing things to ensure that the rest of your social circles perceive you as no different than them
... who knows... maybe we are just another search/reunion tv show to be watched by ahjumas and halmonis...
maybe we are... these strange outsiders that no one really knows what to do with - and its not like any of us as individuals can help because we're so busy trying to figure out how we see ourselves as individuals...
... in a sort of egoism that is wrapped up in trying to understand my own identity... i cant help but look at my "korean korean" friends and think:
"how exactly do you see me? do you see me the same as any other foreigner? do you see me like a kyopo? do you see me as someone to be pitied? do you even really care that you - you my korean korean brothers and sisters have lost over 200,000 of YOUR own people to international adoption and that there is a 1 in 68 chance that you or a family member knows a korean whose life has been directly affected by adoption... do you feel this loss?"
... i think a lot about... how choosing to search for my umma... was also an unknowing commitment to the possibility of insanity...
since finding her for all the amazing good... how exactly do or could i ever explain what it means to be almost 33 (34 korean) and have your entire sense of self flipped inside out... and for the months that have followed since to still feel so uncertain of what my reactions will be to any given situation...
situations that i used to be able to predict my reaction to
... and im not sure exactly when it is that i will re-discover this ability to predict my own reactions...
... and i have absolutely NO idea as to if/when i will ever feel any true sanity about having found my umma
... on one hand yes - the story of finding is akin to a fairy tale - and i remain mindful everyday of just how fortunate i am... and how i NEVER want to appear to my fellow ibyangs as complaining when i know so many would give everything to have this... to have even just a name or a photograph...
... but on the other hand... it is the most lonely frustrating uncertain thing... there are no role models for this ...
i dont know how im supposed to react
... and to live in that inbetween of being soooo happy to have her in my life again and to feel her happiness... and yet to feel constantly that i remain her dirty little secret...
... i dont know exactly why i am here in korea... why i decided to move
what i do know though is that ever since i was a small child i promised myself and whatever kind of god i then and now believe in - that if i ever found her and if she wanted to know me i would do whatever i needed to - to move here
so this is a 3 plus decade old promise...
... and yes... i do feel a sort of resentment - that i have to give up so much for the person who for whatever valid reasons lacked a courage and continues to lack... i do not know if and when she will ever fully claim me as her own... yes i am her daughter and i am her eldest... but im not allowed to say her name aloud... im not allowed to reveal other potentially identifying family history... in private behind closed doors with trusted folk - yes... but never in public - i am not allowed to claim this... to say what most any other child can say without hesitation to anyone - "my mom's name is.... i have this many brothers/sisters/none" etc...
but i also feel the freedom of choice... i made the choice to look for her... and i made the choice to move here and to get to know her... and i made the choice to do this on her unspoken conditions...
i also made the choice to be a part of this evolution... to move here
to live in this very peculiar inbetween for which very little if any precedence has been set... if anything i think that it is our generation of ibyangs (meaning those of us adopted out in the 70s and very early 80s) that are the ones who are setting ... a sort of precedence... a precedence that is based largely on the fact that there will never be any real strong set of rules or standards or guides for others to look to... because
because
how can you set a standard for something that is so messy
that the more we seek to untangle the more we discover the amount of strings and strands...
i dont know how korean koreans see me... or us... and if they will or could ever see us as what we are - which is one of their own...
because i dont know if we ourselves will ever be able to see us for what we are... which is... one of theirs...
... because the very nature of our existence and our returning is also a reminder of a shameful secret... not just for ummas but for the government and the korean people - each time we appear we are a reminder that the land and country that is so full of beauty and pride
also took part in something so...
abhorrent
... and so i wonder
maybe its easier to keep us at arms distance and remind us how we dont know the language or the food - whilst neglecting the very true reality that there is a reason why we dont know the language or the food and that these reasons have absolutely nothing to do with a choice that we made...
maybe it is easier to only focus on all the things that make us "not korean korean"
to focus on the exciting reunion stories of ibyangs who find their ummas
to ignore that every korean korean has benefited in some way by the selling of us - because we netted profit not just for the agencies but for the korean gov't...
to ignore that not just a few - but many of us were stolen/kidnapped or coerced out of our umma's lives...
to ignore that there is always a possibility that your cousin or brother or sister was sent away and for whatever reasons someone in your family didnt do anything to stop this...
maybe it is easier to instead remind us of just how korean we are not... and how ungrateful we are if we say that we are confused and sad and angry and grateful and
because then all the shameful things can be ignored
because then no one has the responsibility to make sure that the rights of unwed mothers are protected and that those in impoverished circumstances are taken care of...
it means that you dont have to look at me for who and what i am
- one of yours who for reasons that are so messy and complicated was sold to another country to another culture... for money for profit... and no one here did anything to stop it
and no one stopped the selling of 200.000 korean nationals who were sold from their people as babies/small children...
....
yes
it is more than good to be back here
and yes when my korean korean friends refer to me as "unni" or accidentally turn to me and speak korean... that feels so good
... and it is those little things that i hold onto
and that is how i intend to reclaim what was taken
little by little
bit by bit
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